Cody, you're smart. I have a question about outer space.
It's up there.
So what are they wearing in space this season?
Well, since space is -270°,
they tend to go with a neoprene-coated nylon combination
of Gore-Tex, kevlar and nomex.
Does that come in a skirt?
Sure, if you don't mind exploding.
Why the sudden interest in space?
Daddy's having the grand opening of his new space station
and he's making me go. There's not even a red carpet.
Just this tube.
- You're going to tipton 1? - Mm-hmm.
Going into space has always been my life's dream.
I thought your dream was making the world's biggest creme brulee.
That's my baking dream. This is my scientific dream.
You know, daddy did say I could bring a friend.
London, it would be an honor to accompany you
into the vast unknown.
Wait, I wanna go to the vast unknown too.
I wanna eat space food.
It's just freeze-dried regular food.
Freeze-dried? Cool. Take me.
No, take me. We've been friends for years.
I've helped you through schoolwork, boyfriend troubles.
I let you dress me up like a girl on your webisode.
We played checkers yesterday, and I let you win.
- Good point. - That's a terrible point.
Another good point.
I know. You two can compete to see who'll go.
And then I can announce it to the media.
London tipton takes a poor pathetic orphan into space.
- London. - Huh?
We're not orphans.
Well, in that case, maybe I should take my maid.
I heard there's a vacuum in space, and I'm not touching that.
- ( Pop music playing ) - ♪ oh-ay-oh! ♪
♪ oh-ay-oh! ♪
♪ come along with me ♪
♪ and let's head out to see what this world has ♪
♪ for you and for me now ♪
♪ whichever way the wind blows ♪
♪ we say hey, ho, let's go! ♪
- ♪ oh-ay-oh! ♪ - ♪ this boat's rockin' ♪
- ♪ oh-ay-oh! ♪ - ♪ ain't no stopping us now ♪
♪ 'cause we're living the suite life ♪
- ♪ oh-ay-oh! ♪ - ♪ this boat's rockin' ♪
- ♪ oh-ay-oh! ♪ - ♪ rockin' the whole world 'round ♪
♪ and we're living ♪
♪ the suite life now ♪
♪ hey, ho! Oh-ay-oh! Let's go! ♪
All right, seniors, ready to party?
Oh, my gosh.
They're all dead.
No!
We're just waiting for Connie.
Whew!
Yeah, I'm filling in for Connie.
Oh, her boyfriend dump her again?
Um... yeah.
Good. He was a loser.
Right.
All right, everybody, so I'm in charge
of your fun-tertainment.
Well, cut the chatter and let's jazzercise.
- Oh-ho-ho! - Let's not and say we did.
They bust a move, they'll bust a hip.
Sorry, that's not till 2:30. ( Laughs )
( Growls )
Okay, for the first part of the competition,
you must pass this scientifical test.
I hate tests!
They make me sweat.
You can't take him to space.
He'll fill his spacesuit up with sweat and drown.
Boys, boys, let's focus on the test.
"If you're traveling through space in a pink rocket
and you pass Santa's sleigh,
who will get to the moon first?"
These questions are ridiculous.
Ooh, I know!
Santa, because he can travel the whole world in one night.
( Gasps )
Correct!
You better put on your thinking sock, Cody.
I'm not worried.
I've never gotten lower than an a-minus on a test Cody, f-minus.
But I condensed string theory into a mere 12 pages.
Woody just wrote "London is great."
Exactly.
While string theory is still controversial,
everyone agrees that I'm great!
So you just want a yes-man in space?
No, I do not want a yes-man.
- Isn't that right, Woody? - Yes, ma'am.
( Bones crack )
Any time now, Mrs. pepperman.
Don't rush me.
Okay, okay, just remember,
we dock in the Bahamas in three days.
- Ow! - Tourists: Ooh!
Did I win?
No!
That was the worst shot I've ever seen.
- You think you can do better? - Is that a challenge?
Unless you wanna wimp out, pretty boy.
You're on!
( Cody gasps )
Yeah, yeah!
Ha ha ha! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Hey, Mr. barker, care for a game of shuffleboard?
I'd rather pass another kidney stone.
Well, if it lands on the 10, you win.
Isn't there anything I can do to cheer you up?
You can get a time machine so I can go back
when I had two good hips,
the blood reached my feet
and came all the way back up again.
Forget about him. He's a stick in the mud.
And you're a pain in the--
mud.
Okay, let's throw down.
-( Shrieks ) - It's go time!
- Hey, you two, no fighting. - Who's fighting?
I've gotta go to the men's room.
I'll be back in five
to 45 minutes.
Don't hurry.
Come on, Woody. Light's out.
We have our big endurance test tomorrow.
Okay, okay.
( Sniffs )
Oh, you reek!
What did you have for dinner?
Just a garlic and onion sardine sandwich
with a limburger cheese tart for dessert.
The stench is so bad
I think I'm losing sight in my right eye.
I'll never get to sleep with the room smelling like this.
Then I won't do well in the competition tomorrow.
Really?
I didn't think of that.
( Exhales ) Have a nice night.
And there goes the left eye.
What's the matter with you?
I'm exhausted.
And I had to sleep in a life raft
thanks to that gasbag Woody.
Meanwhile, I have another one of London's space tests
in 10 minutes, and Woody made sure
I wouldn't be ready for it.
I've got just the thing to perk you up:
Some coconut milk,
a little vanilla,
some protein powder
and a sprig--
just a sprig-- of fresh mint.
( Whirring )
You sure that'll wake me up?
Definitely.
Wow, refreshing.
Time for the athletical challenge:
The great space race.
A little nervous?
I can see you're sweating already.
Okay.
All right, you have to grab a gold bar, run around the planets,
through the black hole and up to the alien.
( Claps )
London, what exactly is the purpose of this test?
Nothing. It just amuses me to see you do it.
Okay, on your marks,
get set,
go!
I said go!
You know, this isn't a sleeping race.
I win! I win!
High three!
That's it. No more Mr. nice guy.
What was that for?
We're having a "twofer" one special.
All right, Mrs. pepperman,
I see your two sugarless butterscotch candies,
and I'll raise you one gluten-free cookie.
Call!
Here's something you do seven times a night:
Flush!
Come to papa!
Ew! Who bet their teeth?
All right, up next on our schedule
is a jog around the sky deck.
Connie's allotted eight hours for that.
You want them to move fast, just tell them the early bird special
is over in five minutes.
The early bird special is over in five minutes?
No, no, no, false alarm.
Would you stop?
You know, why don't you try participating in something?
Because it's boring.
And so are they.
Shh! Some of these people can hear you.
I doubt that!
Just because you're miserable doesn't mean
- you gotta make everyone else around you miserable. - You tell him!
And you know what? No wonder your family put you on this boat.
It's not a vacation for you.
It's a vacation for them.
Now hit him. Hit him!
All right, all right, I am leaving!
You didn't have to be so mean.
Man, thanks for that 12-cheese pizza, Cody.
Mmm!
It was even better than that chopped liver hoagie.
Now try my fresh-baked beignet.
I don't know what that is, but it's got cream coming out of the side.
Hey, boys, you guys ready for the motion sickness test?
The what?
Didn't Cody tell you?
I called your cabin to say we're starting at 11:00.
Oh!
I must've forgotten.
Okay...
Fire up the whirly thingamajig !
( Belches ) Uh-oh!
Come on, you first, Woody.
You know, London, I'm not feeling that great.
And I'm not caring. Into the spinny ball.
This machine will see how you handle
tumbling uncontrollably through space,
which might happen because daddy built the station on the cheap.
Okay, you're leaving earth's atmosphere,
going through an asteroid belt.
Now going through the magic asteroid purse.
And now you're spinning like a dreidel at hanukkah.
L'Chaim!
( Moaning, groaning )
By the way, Woody, don't think about all that cheese
and chopped liver you just ate.
- I think he's gonna blow! - Don't worry. I got it covered.
( Moaning louder )
- ( Gasping, vomiting ) - He's like a sprinkler.
- ( Knocks on door ) - Mr. barker: Go away!
You don't even know who it is.
Who is it?
It's Zack.
Oh, Zack. Go away!
Oh, wait. Who left this unguarded maid's cart out here
with all these soaps and pillow mints?
Free stuff? Where, where?
Oh! I can't believe I fell for that.
Wait. Whoa whoa. Wait. Stop. Stop.
I wanna apologize about yesterday.
I didn't mean to be so harsh with you,
and I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
You think I'm a little girl?
Come on, kid, you can't hurt me.
I'm an old bush pilot.
Once I crashed in the Alaskan wilderness
and lived with the wolves for a month.
By the time I got rescued,
I was the leader of the pack.
Cool. I mean, was it hard to adjust back?
No, but I did learn
how to scratch my ear with my foot.
Well, look,
I can't duplicate the thrill of running with the wolves,
but they are a lot of fun things to do on a cruise.
Not when the only thing you can do
is sit in the chair.
Well, it depends on the chair.
Hmm?
Hey, it still fits.
See? I told you sitting can be exciting.
Let's have some fun.
Wheee!
Is that the best you can do? Come on, you little wimp.
My rocking chair can go faster than this.
All right, you asked for it.
( Shouts )
Whoa...
See, Mr. barker, I told you sitting can be fun.
Mr. barker? Mr. barker!
Mr. barker, are you okay?
Please tell me you're napping. You people do that, right?
Oh, no, this is not gonna look good on the morning report.
- Gotcha! - ( Screams )
Who would have thought you'd be the one
to wet yourself?
That was so not funny.
( Laughing )
All right, it was awesome, but I didn't think you were the pranking type.
Oh, please, in my younger years,
the people used to call me "the prank king,"
also "that jerk."
Hey, you and I have the same nickname.
Did you ever make a call
and ask for "Seymour butts"?
Yeah, of course.
Mine.
You were the Seymour butts guy?
Also "is your refrigerator running?"
Both: "You better go catch it!"
I like you, kid.
You're the grandson I never had.
You never had any grandsons?
I got five,
but I just don't like 'em.
Okay, and now it's time for the speech contest.
- Cody, you're first. - ( Clears throat )
"Good evening, lady and sir vomit.
There are compelling reasons
why I should accompany London into space.
First, I will use a laser to carve your beautiful face into the moon."
Ooh, then once a month,
there'd be a full me.
Where you gonna get a laser big enough to do that?
Maybe from Santa.
"I will also resize the rings of saturn
- to make jewelry for you, - ( Gasps )
And when we're on Jupiter,
where you weigh 31,000 lbs.,
I'll still tell you you look thin."
Well thought out,
and I understood almost every word. Good job, Cody.
Woody, your turn.
Well, now it's time for the winning speech.
"London, you need me at your side at the launch
because when the cameras flash, my handsome face
will distract people from your hideous outfit."
Huh?
Excuse you!
- Those aren't my words. - Well, you said them.
So you must have meant them.
Let me see the rest of that speech.
Black holes are brighter than me?
I swear I didn't write that.
But there are barbecue stains all over it.
I'm being framed.
Tell it to someone who's not "stupider than Jupiter."
- That's funny. - ( Gasps )
No, wait!
( Sighing )
You! You got into my computer
and changed my speech!
Yeah. By the way,
"Woody" is not a good password.
( Snoring )
And if you look off to the port
you guys can see some whales breaching.
Oh!
I don't see any whales.
Hey, wait a minute.
Are you two responsible for this?
Uh-uh.
Let's go get 'em.
- Mr. barker: Let's run! - No, why don't we just walk really fast?
( Laughing )
Oh, I think we lost 'em on the lido deck.
Good thinking dropping that coupon for cat food.
I'll bet they're still wrestling over it.
You know, this is the most fun I've had
since I fought off a hippo
with a beehive on a stick.
Well, hey, no one does fun-tertainment like me.
Well, the cruise is over in two days.
Then it's back to the retirement home
and all the mush I can eat.
Come on, I mean, you still got a lot of life left in you.
I appreciate you trying to help me, kid.
But it's gonna take more than a couple of great pranks
to bring the adventure back to my life.
There they are, I think.
I'm wearing my reading glasses.
( High-pitched ) They went that way.
Oh, thank you, little girl.
Come on, after 'em.
( Dramatic music playing )
( Camera shutter clicking )
Attention, people of earth.
The person I have chosen to take with me
to the tipton space station
is an amazing guy.
- He's intelligent... - Me.
- ...Fun-loving... - Me.
...And cute as a button.
Both: Me!
I'd like to introduce
Albert barker!
Both: Him?
Sorry, boys, but this is a much better photo op,
and he's a real orphan.
You know, for an old bush pilot like me,
this is the ultimate adventure.
My heart
just keeps racing.
I'm up to seven beats a minute!
First, I'd like to thank London tipton,
a great girl and a heck of a dresser,
and my young friend Zack for setting this up
and for reminding me that you're never too old
to have a dream.
( Applause )
I guess neither of us really deserve to go.
Yeah, we let the competition get the best of us.
Look, I'm sorry for feeding you all that greasy food
and rewriting your speech.
And I'm sorry for eating all that stinky food
and putting itching powder in your underwear.
What itching powder?
Never mind.
Check it out. I'm more radiant than that star.
Big deal! I'm older than that star.
Hey, I can see my house from here.
You can't possibly--
wow!
That's a big house.
All righty, well, let's go back to the space station.
Sure, have you got the keys?
I thought you had 'em.
Both: Uh-oh!